Have you ever felt like you aren’t good enough? I think it is something that we all face at points in our lives. I’m sure we face it numerous times. Well tonight I feel/felt like that. Its something I have struggled with a lot in the past. It’s a brokenness that is being mended in my life. Its coming together and becoming whole.
There are certain moments you just come across where you come to realize, in ways you don’t want or wish it would happen, that you think you aren’t good enough or even close. How people may say something, people being better than you, or various reasonings. It can be a painful moment/season. It isn’t something enjoyable by anyone, but there is always something to gain out of it.
You know, we may not be good enough for that, but that still does not diminish a persons value. You are still gold and still more than enough. Constantly throughout scripture we see the people of God, even Jesus, get rejected. They shook of the dust of their feet, they brushed it aside, Paul was bit by a deadly snake and shook it off! The struggles that we go through are painful, but they are all able to move on from them.
I’ve realized that God’s grace has overwhelmed that brokenness. So I’m not good enough for that, so what. I am more than enough for God still! In our eyes we see we aren’t good enough for this specific area, but to God we are still chosen by Him for more! Its crazy. It may not hit you as hard as it has hit my right now, but what God has for me now is enough, and with that I know He overwhelms that brokenness of not being enough to realize I am more than enough. This may not filter into anyones lives, but God did some work in me tonight. I can only pray that the Spirit works in your brokenness as well.
- Remember me…
There are days where I still find myself relying on people. You would think after walking and having relation with God for almost ten years you would get the basics, but lets be real, we can forget them. No one is perfect.
I have the honor of being able to preach to an amazing youth group this coming Sunday night. I am by no means a preacher. I have preached, gone to bible school, and am not so worried about being in front of people. I planned to get a crazy sermon, breaking down the Greek/Hebrew, looking into Church History, and all this crazy knowledge Bible breakdown, but the Lord spoke. “Take it back Christian. You need to take a step back for yourself.” This isn’t the sermon I will be teaching, but what I was faced with tonight. It involves the sermon in the sense of God saying go back to the basics.
We can become so dependent upon people. Don’t get me wrong, you NEED people. Without it the gospel, ministry, nothing is necessary. It goes hand in hand. But the thing is people don’t need me as much as I think. Ministry is not based off what I can offer the people. Ministry is based off of what God wants to do. I wanted so bad to be apart of something, but if I don’t show up, which I do miss once and awhile, service still goes on. If God doesn’t show up, then we are pointlessly there. I can’t become so consumed in the church needing me, despite how much I do and how much I can offer. To be honest, for my church, I do a lot. By no means am I bragging about myself. I have been described as the motor of the car for the church. Again not bragging, but somehow even without that motor, God will still find a way to take us to our destination. He will carry us on His back! I can’t get consumed in what I can do, but so consumed in who God is that He will do service, church, ministry, whatever. Back to the basics of who He is.
- Remember me…
I sit here at 1am. I am in complete awe of my God. I haven’t written here in awhile, but I just don’t know what else to do right now. My mind is going a million miles an hour. 30 minutes ago I was falling asleep ready to pass out, then I began to just pray and lay here and think on how GRAND God really is. Obviously and clearly we can never comprehend what that really means. I am constantly reminded of this. The fact that I need to get reminded by how great shows how much I take for granted and don’t realize how much he really is the great I am.
There is not a single one of us that goes through the day with a negative thought. To take even further a positive thought. Then I realize how much greater God is than that. Even if it is God Himself, He is better and greater than that. We have only reached the surface of the goodness by just thinking of that.
All of our sin, failures, pain, anger, burden, shame, bitterness, troubles, fears, emotions, negativity, He is greater than that. He has overcome all of that with love and given us a new hope. This might not even make sense because I feel like I am just rambling, but I really can’t put in words how great God is. This is why He calls Himself the great “I AM.” He just is. I am simply mind blown…
- Remember me…
So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again
So I am pretty heated and pissed still from an incident. No one to talk to about it, but since I haven’t written here in awhile, Ill post it. Not gossip or anything like that, but its something that frustrates me a lot.
We had our normal Young Adult service (G 6:8) and we normally go get food afterwards. So a group of us decided to go to Crave Cafe. One of our normal spots. There was a good amount of us that went there. Maybe 12 - 15. I was the first to arrive and waited by my car, and one of my other friends and her sister showed up. This car kept on honking on her to go ahead so that he could drive out the parking lot and my friend could get in, but was really rude about it. Didn’t really bother me to much. Then some of my other friends, both girls, pulled in. No harm done, until this guy decides to think he can get out of the same driveway that was pretty narrow to begin with. Didn’t think anything of until he decided to open his window and yell at them “learn to drive” “You don’t know how to drive.” I yelled back, “bro relax, calm down.”
He then yelled, “these B*&@#3$ don’t know how to drive.” and I lost it. I yelled what did you just say bro. I literally ran after the care until the end of the parking lot, until he pealed out and I couldn’t keep up with the car anymore. I was just furious and I am still pretty heated. I just don’t get how you can disrespect a person, but especially woman who did absolutely nothing! It does not make sense to me. In short, its guys like these that make it look like chivalry is dead, but I am on a quest now to prove that it isn’t close to being dead. Not bragging about myself by any means or way, but more of a realization and reality check that there are jerks out there and I have to step my game up. Lets treat woman right please.
- Remember me…
Its good to be home, but now to learn and understand where home is…
I was able to share this thought/experience that I have come to realize. My buddy whom I have known forever preaching at service, and he had asked me to share something. To do a time of ministry with the congregation. I have done stuff like this before, but never with my peers, plus it has been awhile as from my last post I stated that I am a person of behind the scenes and just love doing my thing with sound. I had agreed to share.
After I dropped of my buddy Celine at his house, I began to just pray because I didn’t want to just say a bunch of random stuff when I talked to the people. I had asked the Lord to show me something, and boy did He ever.
I stopped at a red light and noticed a mom and her daughter sitting at the light. This is where the Lord got me good. The mom was stepping out into the street trying to find the bus, checking her watch, passing back and forth, while her daughter seemed like she was just enjoying her life sitting on the bench. She was playing with something and she was just living it up. It is crazy how the Lord asks us to have childlike faith. This little girl was sitting there waiting, fully knowing whatever was going to happen she was going to get to her destination. She didn’t understand how the bus works, when the bus will come, how the bus works, nothing. All she knew was that when the bus does come she just needs to take the few steps that she needed to take to get on the bus to get to her next destination. The bus doesn’t work around our schedule, but we work around the buses schedule. The mom continually passed back and forth in a panic. But the little girl is how we should live our lives.
We need to be where we are supposed to be when God (the bus) comes. The little girl had full faith that she was going to her next destination. She just needed to be where she was supposed to be. The presence of God is where we are supposed to be, and when God comes by to take us to our new place, we just need to take a few initiative steps, but allow God to carry us to that next place. She had full faith of whatever may happen, she was going to get to the next place regardless what would happen. It is such a simple concept, but we complicate it.
Be where you are supposed to be, and when the time is right and its time to go to the next place take those few steps and God will take care of the rest. Have full faith that the bus is coming.
- Remember me…
So I haven’t written on here in awhile. I figured since tomorrow is a holiday I can go to bed late and that I will write 2 quick thoughts I have been wanting to share for awhile. Well one I realized last weekend and another I was praying about yesterday and was able to share tonight with the Young Adults at my church.
Anyways, last week I was able to go to Camp Cedar Crest as the activities director. If you know me this is completely out of my comfort zone. I am used, and love, to do and be the behind the scenes guy. I love and live doing sound, used to be a janitor, and just take care of the little details that happen behind the curtains. I prefer it that way. I am not one to go in front of people and entertain them or even talk in front of them, but I was in charge of keep 200 teens entertained for a weekend. By far the hardest job I have ever done, but one of the most rewarding.
A little background, we all have our insecurities. I struggle with just a self worth. This camp really worked on that. I went to camp knowing a few people. Not people I am fully comfortable. A few people I have grown up with but hadn’t seen in months and a few other people I met at a previous camp. All amazing people, but no one that I would go to if something happened at my life I guess you can say. But this people really have no idea who I am. I feel like God used them in a way I would never imagine. I apparently did a good job for being the game guy for the first time ever. When you have 200 people starting a chant “we love Christian” by saying goodbye to them really blows your mind. People have shown their appreciation to me all the time, and I am truly thankful, but to have people chanting your name that they love you is something new. Not to mention the little details of just talking with some amazing people. But that chant really got to me. I know that when I go through difficult times, I can think of that brief 15-30 seconds people cheering for me. By no means I am getting to the point where life is about me or I am cocky because people are cheering for me, but I truly believe that God brought this moment into my life for when times get rough and I feel alone, I can remember that simple sound of “we love Christian” knowing that people sincerely care about me, and knowing that God really done love me.
- Remember me
Right now I am laying on my car in an empty parking lot with some music playing. I’m thanking God where He has taken me in life, the people that He has brought in my life, and just who He is.
I wouldn’t be surprised if a change is going to occur soon though. I used to be so scared of it, but as of late I know God really work it all for our good and in the end He loves me and that’s enough. I know change is coming and I’m in a place of being ready. I’m not prepared but I am full accepting. Whether I get a new job, go to a new church, or get a girlfriend, or all of the above I know and believe God is moving and all I know is that His love is enough…
I have never been at this place in my life. It’s completely reassuring, comforting, and allows me to be confident! I am not a very confident person with myself, but not until very recently, more like last night a new confidence now resounds within me. The Lord loves me and that is all! Greater than any and everything in my life and anyone really, is the love the Lord has for me. No matter how much I mess up, be excellent, or let people down, I can still say that I am loved. Not loved any less but constantly falling in love and being loved by God. My mind is blown at this concept and truth. I’ve known the Lord loves me, but actually living it is a different thing. My confidence is overwhelming in His love!
- Remember me…
Henri J. M. Nouwen ” The Inner Voice of Love”
This got me good. Realization and revelation.